5 Ways My Life as a Mom is Like Going Insane

The topic for this blog occurred to me the other day while I was having a phone conversation with a friend that went a little like this...

"How has work 'do not rub boogers on your brother's head' been? Did you guys 'GET. OFF. OF. HIM. RIGHT. NOW' do anything for Valentine's Day?"

That is just a brief snippet of our seven minute chat, but you get the idea. I had answered my phone because the boys seemed happy and occupied playing when it rang, but within the first few seconds I was pulling out the crazy head shake, pointing my finger firmly back and forth between my 3-year-old and the corner, and wishing I had let it go to voicemail so I could call back during nap time. When I hung up and thought about what that conversation might have sounded like to someone bugging my phone, I realized that my life as a Mom might be somewhat akin to going insane. Here are five other examples that have transpired just this week:

1) I hear things...
when I'm trying to sleep.  It's mostly my name being called or one of the boys crying and it generally happens when I'm really, really tired and have finally crawled into bed. I think I hear "Mmmmmmmmooom", but I'm not entirely sure it isn't the heat coming on and off, the wind howling or a branch scratching on my window. It tends to be my imagination about 50% of the time, so I have to keep getting up and putting my ear to their doors in case I'm dealing with the other half.

2) I occasionally refer to myself in the plural...
when I'm all alone. I'm ashamed to admit how often this happens. Ryan will come home from work and I'll make a quick run to the grocery store without the boys in tow. I'll be cruising up an aisle with my cart and need to squeeze by someone. I'll politely nod and smile before saying, "Excuse us". But it's only me. I'm so used to having other humans hanging out of the cart that it comes out before I've had a chance to think about it.  I usually realize my mistake before I'm entirely past them, but tend to just continue on towards the juice boxes, leaving them to wonder if I realize I'm shopping solo.

3) I sing, play peekaboo and converse simultaneously...
during every shower I take. All the while this is happening outside the glass door:

4) I ate about 4,500 calories worth of food...
that I could not see today. Noah is the master chef. He cooks us hamburgers, whips me up three or four strawberry milkshakes an afternoon and occasionally spoils me with his specialty: bug soup. We haven't paid for any improv classes for him (yet), so every meal item he "hands" me is usually in the shape of a cup and I devour them all with great fervor. 

5) I can maintain an almost eerie composure in utter chaos...
but the tiniest things will set me off. I really wish this one were not the case, but there are days when I'm being puked on, the floor is covered in Playdough, the boys are poking each other in the eyes and I can take it all in and think, "I love this messy life". Then a few minutes later, I'll be asked for a sucker for the third time in thirty seconds and I'll completely lose it. 

I wouldn't trade out a single moment of this crazy week, but if you seem to be getting my voicemail more than you used to or you catch me with a faraway look, I hope you will be willing to "excuse us" and chalk it up to lack of sleep and spending most of my time with people who aren't fully potty-trained (a whole other blog topic). I'm not sure who created this graphic, but I thought it summed things up nicely:

Bestselling Novelist, John Shors, Talks Tossed out TVs, Travel & "Teeny-Tiny"

I thought I'd change things up a little this week. Most of the calls I've gotten for freelance work in the past six months have been related to the legalization of pot and school shootings. While both of those stories may need to be told, there's only so much telling I can do. So a couple of weeks ago, after one of those calls, I did a little reflecting about what I really loved most about my career in hopes that I might be able to incorporate a little bit of that in my blog.

There are lots of perks to a working in television, but believe it or not, meeting celebrities and the occasional free loot didn't top my list - (waking up at 3:45am and trying to book interviews with people who didn't want to be interviewed didn't either - that was the worst!) But after a little introspection, I came to the realization that the part of my job that I loved the very most was getting to meet and interview authors. Dorky, I know, but writers are way more fascinating in person than P. Diddy. Yep, I just name dropped.

Again. No shame.

The photos are fun to have, but all kidding aside, I consider myself lucky that books are my thing because I guarantee Jimmy, Jennifer and the Jessicas are not interested in hanging out if I'm not producing a live hit for them, but I think I may be able to twist a few authors arms for an interview. Which is how I ended up sitting in a bestselling novelist's home on a piano stool, throwing questions at him for this blog...

A couple years ago, when we first moved to Colorado, my sister-in-law gave me a copy of a book she liked called Beneath a Marble Sky. (Thanks Angela!) It was based in India and unraveled a beautiful love story in the midst of the construction of the Taj Mahal.  I love historical fiction and I couldn't put it down. When I got to the last page I came across this message from the author:

My immediate thought was: "How cool is that? A bestselling novelist is inviting his readers and book clubs to reach out to him". Then I flipped to the following page and found out he lived near Boulder, just like me. I let my Mom borrow the book and kind of forgot about the whole thing until I was having my little reflection. That night I downloaded his most recent novel on my Kindle, ran a web search for his name, found his email address, and sent him an email introducing myself and asking if he would be open to letting me interview him. I got an email back within 24 hours, and within a few days I was heading to his house with my camera.

John Shors is about the nicest guy you could ever meet, and if you like to read, write, travel or have ever considered throwing away your television, I think you'll enjoy the interview below. Also, I know I said I don't have anything to give away in my first post, but he signed a couple of books for me, so now I do!  I'll be putting the names of anyone who shares this blog post within the first 24 hours into a hat and letting Noah and Benjamin each choose a name. If they pick yours, I'll mail you the autographed book (so go share and then come back and read/watch below).

Q: How did you know you wanted to be a writer? 
"Basically, I grew up reading. When I was probably 13-years-old, I came home from school one day and my father had thrown away our television. My brothers and I were very distraught at the time - it was quite traumatic - but what it did was sort of push us into books and we all became avid readers. I’ve pretty much read a couple of books a week ever since that day. At some point I just decided, probably when I was in high school, that I want to do this, I want to become a novelist. I had no idea how hard it would be to get to that point, but I just felt like I could do it and luckily things worked out."

Q: Did reading about faraway places inspire your travels?

"I think books really did inspire me to travel because so much of what I was reading was set overseas. I grew up in Des Moines, Iowa – very nice city, nice place – but I wanted to sort of go beyond and I was reading books set all over the world and I think that really was the catalyst for me to get interested in traveling. I was lucky enough after college to hop on a plane, fly to Japan and teach English for a couple of years and that really got me excited about seeing the world."

Q: Do you have a favorite place?

"I love Asia. I really have an affinity for Asia, whether it’s Vietnam or Thailand or  Cambodia, India, Japan. To me, it’s exotic and so very different from the west. I’ve been to some of these places twenty times, but yet I feel like every time I go it’s a new adventure and new experience."

Q: Tell me about the process of writing your first published novel…

"Yeah, it was difficult. At the time I had a very busy day job, I was helping to launch a public relations agency in Denver, and I had this dream of becoming a novelist, so even though I had this very busy day job I would come home at night and work on this novel, which was based on the story of the creation of the Taj Mahal. It is a famous story in Asia, it’s beloved, but no one in the west had ever really heard about it so I felt like there was an opportunity to make a splash with my first book. It was hard having a full time job – writing at night, on weekends and vacations. Under those sort of confines I worked on it for five years. It was a true labor of love."

Click on the book to go straight to Amazon

Q: Part of its success could be attributed to your book club program.  How did that come about?

"When Beneath a Marble Sky came out as a hardcover it got great reviews, it won a national award, we sold the movie rights, all these really good things happened – and I just decided that I wanted to give something back to readers.  So when the paperback version came out two years later I put a letter in the back of the paperback inviting book clubs to invite me to their evenings via speakerphone. I included my email address in there, which had never really been done before. It just took off. I got quite a bit of media attention and 'word of mouth' buzz.  So at this point I’ve spoken to about 3,000 book clubs all over the world."

Q: What’s the best question you’ve gotten from one of these book clubs?
"It’s so hard, I mean, some of them have been "googling" facts for hours and they’re very studious and serious. Other clubs have been drinking margaritas for hours, so I’m never sure what kind of group I’m walking into and the questions are very different and they’re both fun."

Q: Now you're actually traveling with your readers to the places in your books - how did this happen?  Did you go to your publisher and say, "I’m thinking about doing this..."? 

John and some readers at Angor Wat, the setting for his most recent novel, "Temple of a Thousand Faces".

Q: Where do you write?

"My home office, nothing fancy, just a laptop and a monitor – but I’ll try to get myself in the right frame of mind. I’ll listen to some song that I love and try to motivate myself, because writing is hard work. I always feel like when I’m starting a book I’m about to climb a new mountain and it’s a heck of a lot of work, so I do need to sort of motivate myself and inspire myself and I’ve got various ways of doing that."

 Q: What music did you listen to today?

"Actually, I listened to One Republic. My family is going to their concert later this spring so I'm trying to get intimate with all their songs."

Q: Best and worst writing advice…

Q: Favorite Children’s Books?

"Shell Silversteen’s stuff I loved, poems. Ferdinand and the Bull [The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf], that was always a fun one. My Mother used to read us this book called Teeny Tiny and the Witch Woman which was kind of a scary book, so that was always fun."

I'm going to order this on Amazon - Noah loves/hates/loves scary stuff!

See, I told you he was super nice! Go ahead and email him yourself if you don't believe me. His email address is shors@aol.com and his website is www.johnshors.com. When I told Ryan he had spoken with over 3,000 book clubs since placing that letter in his first novel, he replied, "that's like two a day!" He is a math guy, I'm not good with numbers, but I know it's a lot of readers and I think it's a wonderful gesture.

Speaking of readers, I thank you, my dear blog readers, from the bottom of my heart, for giving me an excuse to use my camera for something other than home movies this week. I'll be back with a post about "5 Ways My Life as a Mom is Like Going Insane" in a few days.

Cheat Week

I kind of cheated on my blog entry this week. I planned to write about one of the topics from the ongoing list I had going in my phone...

 
...but instead I decided I would update my blog profile with a bio. I hoped to get a new photo up too, but that would require that I blow dry my hair and put a little makeup on, so instead I stole a shot from my sister-in-law's bridal shower last summer when I wasn't ghastly pale.

I do have an excuse for my laziness though. I spent a lot of time this week cleaning up vomit, exploding diapers and soothing a sick baby when I should have been sleeping. Which means my brain was too fried to talk about creationism, Sochi or this...

Rachel Frederickson (Credit: Paul Drinkwater/Trae Patton/NBC)

Because you somehow found this even though I didn't tell anyone or publicize it on Facebook, you win a prize (well not really). But I do have a suggestion if you are bored and looking for something to read (besides this weak entry). My next post is going to be a really fun interview with the bestselling author of Beneath a Marble Sky. His name is John Shors and he has written some amazing novels that take you to exotic places and tell you beautiful love stories. Do yourself a favor and go read one of them now: Amazon - "Beneath a Marble Sky". You'll feel so "in the know" when I write something worth reading next week.

"Are you a Pinterest Mom?"

The question was posed to me by a Mom I'd never met before while we pushed our kids on the swings at the park a few weeks ago.  She was talking about her daughter's upcoming birthday and all the sudden turned to me and asked: "...are you a Pinterest Mom?" I wasn't quite sure how to answer because I didn't know exactly what a Pinterest Mom was.

If I'm being completely honest, my first thought was "no", because I imagined a Pinterest Mom probably looked a little something like this while cooking breakfast for the family:

Source: allposters.com

And most days I look like a little more like this when we "cook" breakfast:

However, I do have a Pinterest account and I'm a Mom, so maybe that's all she meant.  I listened for context clues to see if she thought it was a good thing or bad thing to be, but as I pushed the stroller back up the hill towards our house I still wasn't sure exactly what made one a Pinterest Mom and whether or not I wanted to be one.  I consulted the good folks of the interweb, but they didn't seem very decided either.  Half of the links were to proud moms who seemed to be finding inspiring ideas for their fun, organized homes and the other half of the links took me to articles with headlines like this:

Source: today.com

I decided then and there that I would conduct a little experiment to find out for myself if being a Pinterest Mom was something I would enjoy.

But before I could begin any of that I had to remember my login and password.

Once I was finally in, a quick check of my stats told me I had five boards with three pins - all on the same board and all photos of enormous libraries that I must have pinned the day I created my account.  I had somehow accumulated 185 followers (sorry guys) and I also learned that in the last few years the fine people of Pinterest finally realized secret boards were a good idea.  This reminded me why I probably never logged back in to pin anything after that initial sign up.  If I was stealing an idea for a cute Christmas card photo, why would I want to show everyone the shot before my boys were in it?  Hats off to whoever figured that one out.

I resolved to plan out an entire day of Pinterest meals and activities for me and the boys.  I created a new board called "Pinterest Mom" and started looking for entertaining and easy things to do.  I don't sew, saw or sift flour so "easy" was the key word here.  With my board securely pinned in place, I promised myself to take a moment at the end of the day to evaluate whether I felt energized or exhausted and use that to determine whether I'm truly Pinterest Mom material or not.

Welcome to my day of Pinsanity:

8:30am - Rainbow Pancake Breakfast:

Noah was super excited about these because I showed him the photo the night before.  He was excited when he woke me up asking for them and excited while he helped me make them and then almost giddy when he saw them piled beautifully on the plate.  The excitement lasted right up until he started eating them.  He picked the red one (pink really) and ate about four bites.  Benny ate slightly more than Noah, but we ended up dumping half of our rainbow down the garbage disposal.  I tested them and they tasted like pancakes, but apparently my kids are not huge pancake fans.

Pinspiration

Our Attempt

Takeaway:  If your kid likes pancakes, save yourself the extra dishes and mixing by making ONE colorful pancake.

9:00am - Cereal Necklace:
Anyone who knows Noah knows he loves accessories.  He had fun separating all the different colored Cheerios into different bowls.  I helped him string them all on and then he did a dance with them.  About ten minutes later he had eaten half the necklace.

Pinspiration

Our Attempt

Takeaway: Scratch the pancakes altogether and give them the necklace for breakfast with a glass a milk.

10:00am - Handprint Valentines:
I love handprint projects - reindeers, Christmas trees, butterflies - you name it, they're all over the house.  Noah loves smashing his hands in paint and this always seems like an easy way to contain the mess.  I bought little cards, but his hands didn't fit (future baller? pianist?) so we decided to make some giant Valentines for grandparents.

Pinspiration

Our Attempt

Takeaway: Measure hands on paper before you dip so you're not running around the house searching for white paper while your toddler's hands are covered with red paint.

10:30am - Kisses (and Photos):
I bought bright red lipstick this summer, but I've only worn it once because although I felt really sexy when I left the house, when I checked the mirror at the restaurant I saw this:

Source: International Clown Hall of Fame via AP

For these photos I slathered it on and kissed all over the boys, hoping to get a shot of them together.  That plan didn't work so well... but when I popped them in the tub afterwards I got this shot of Benny, which made it all worth it.

Pinspiration

Our Attempt

Takeaway: Super long-lasting all-day lipwear lasts longer on kids cheeks.  There were still little red patches on their cheeks after two baths when I kissed them goodnight.

12pm - Under the Sea Lunch:
I know I'm probably not looking like the healthiest Mom at this point, but when I was little I had a friend whose Mom used to make us hot dog octopuses for lunch, so I think this pin made me nostalgic.  I got a little carried away with the "seaweed" and "bubbles".  Noah thought it was pretty funny.  He also realized my octopuses didn't have enough legs.

Pinspiration

Our Attempt

Takeaway: If you're going to eat a hot dog outside of a ball park, it's way more fun to eat a "quadropus".

5pm - Flubber-Making
We had to wait until Benjamin went down for his nap to make this one.  It's super easy, and only three ingredients, but I don't really know what Borax is - the final ingredient - so I figured we'd keep the 10-month-old out of the picture.  Noah thought it was gross...which also translates to awesome.

Pinspiration

Our Attempt

Takeaway: Make this... and if you figure out if Borax is safe (to touch, ingest etc), message me.

So Am I?

I had pinned a dinner, but around six o'clock I texted Ryan and told him to pick a restaurant to meet us at after work.  My sister called a few minutes later and asked: "So what did you discover? Are you a Pinterest Mom?".  I took a moment to think about it and replied: "I might be, but I'm not sure I have Pinterest kids and this is too exhausting to do for myself". 

The boys and I had enjoyed a wonderful day, but as we cleaned up the flubber and washed Noah's hands, I crouched down to dry them and asked him what his favorite thing we did that day was.  His reply: "digging for butterflies" in the backyard - the only activity I hadn't planned.  He's not a color-inside-the-lines kind of kid.  It might be his age, but I don't think he'll ever appreciate a day's worth of pins.  So while I'll probably continue to use Pinterest as a crafty version of Google when we spill our last bottle of bubbles and need a homemade version, I don't think my empty boards will ever be filled with recipes and crafts.  My collection of library photos might grow, but for now I think my time pinning would be better spent figuring out why someone is planting butterflies in our soil.

Dear Diary

While I was cleaning out my closets last week I came across this stack of diaries...

Back in junior high and high school I was pretty diligent about recording every. single. detail. of my day in these little notepads.  While Ryan was playing basketball on Wednesday night I spent the evening reliving my days as a Riverview Pirate and, honestly, it was a little eye opening.  I tend to remember these years only as fun and carefree, but as I read back through my words I was struck by the number of pages that felt sad, lonely and misunderstood.  I know diaries are a bit like therapists in that we tend to pour out our hearts when times get tough, but I'm pretty sure that re-reading these will help me be a little more understanding next time I get caught in an elevator with some loud, obnoxious girls at the mall, find myself next to an awkward teen couple at the theater or most importantly, when my own boys reach adolescence.

I'm double the age I was when I wrote the majority of these entries, so when I got to the end of my last diary and found I had a few pages left, I decided I would offer up a little "Back to the Future" advice for my 15-year-old self:

Being a teenager is hard...

for everyone.  It doesn't matter if you're pretty, zitty, tall, small, athletic or pathetic at sports.  Anyone that doesn't admit to having really tough days as a teen is either lying - or is Beyonce (but she was home-schooled, so that doesn't count).  Take comfort in knowing that although the issues may vary, all of your peers are dealing with their own.

Do you think Solange voted for Beyonce to get the "best-dressed" award?

There are lots of guys (or girls) in the world...

that don't go to your high school.  3.4 billion to be exact(ish).  So while I know it might feel like your world is falling apart because x asked y to prom instead of u, believe it or not there is a very good chance you will have forgotten entirely about x after your first year month week day of college.  You will come to learn that although some high school sweethearts do live happily ever after, it's the exception, not the rule.  Enjoy flirting and dances and going on dates, but in your case, Prince Charming doesn't show up until after college so don't lose too much sleep about guys just yet.

I think my entire graduating class may have fit under those Pepsi umbrellas in the bottom left corner.

Your Mom loves you... 

even though it might feel like she is nosy and difficult and stricter than all the other moms.  I know you think she is listening in on some of your phone calls (she is) and that you're convinced she doesn't like the older "bad boy" you're crushing on (she doesn't) - but it's all because she loves you and doesn't want to see you get hurt.  At some point during college, when you're 1,300+ miles from home, she'll become your best friend.  Then, one day when you have your own kids you'll finally get a glimpse into what a mother's love really means and you'll start to understand why it's okay that you're the only one that's not allowed to hang out at the Ramada Inn after prom (you're not) and why your curfew is way earlier than everyone else's (just enjoy your sleep while you can).

"Dani, nothing good happens at the Ramada Inn."

You will not remember which games you won and lost...

but you will never forget what it felt like to be a part of team and to push your body to the point of absolute exhaustion.  Put every ounce of energy you have into your game or race, but know that one day soon you'll have a hard time remembering who won the championship, let alone each game.  What you will recall is your Dad showing up early with a giant hug and the game shoes you forgot by the back door - or mouth guard or sports bra or (insert additional forgotten gear here).  Same goes for those early, chilly sunrises you are treated to as you row, half-asleep, up the Detroit River with one of your dearest friends from childhood.  Cherish those practices because you won't remember who crossed the finish line first on race day.

How's that for a shot of Detroit?

When something doesn't feel right, speak up...

again and again and again until someone is able to help you.  In your case, it will be a giant, basketball-sized cyst in your abdomen that won't be diagnosed until the end of your junior year.  You already know something isn't right, because you write about it every ten pages, so don't feel bad speaking up to the doctor, even if she says you look healthy.  Ask if there are other tests they can run and give them a list of all the dates that you have woken up puking your guts out and reeling in pain. Be a drama queen.  You're good at that.
*This doesn't just go for physical ailments either.  If you know someone that is depressed or being bullied or abused, tell someone (and keep telling people you trust until the right person steps in).  

Poloroid proof that the hospital sent a creepy Teletubby to wish me well on my surgery.

You will not...

Whatever happened to YM and those "Say Anything" columns?  

and that is a very good thing.  Because not only are you unfit for the the task of looking as put together as Kate Middleton does every time she leaves her castle, but if you spend all of your free time hanging out at polo matches and balls, you might miss out on the opportunity to scoop up this hunk of burning love who is currently busy wreaking havoc in the red rocks of St. George, Utah:

Sorry Ry, couldn't resist this photo.

Not only will find him to be about a million times hotter than Wills, but he will also become an incredible husband, father and best friend - who happens to have parents that are way cooler than Charles and Priscilla.

Your super secret system worked...
even on you.  When you took your most private thoughts and sealed them up in an envelope and signed your name on the seal you ensured that no one would read your innermost thoughts without you knowing.  I'm pretty sure someone has snooped through your diaries at some point (you have two sisters), but these remain untouched.  And at least for the time being, your secrets are still safe with me.

Maybe I'll be ready for you in another 15 years.